Liquid Gold

The first paintings created in the Postpartum Collection, the Liquid Gold series, represent my breastfeeding journey.

I still miss rocking in a moonlit nursery, quietly soothing my baby in a way only I could. I miss the sweet smell of his baby breath and watching the little corners of his mouth curl into a smile as he drifted off to sleep in my arms.

While I wish I could say this beautiful scene represented most of our breastfeeding year, it did not. My son started cutting teeth at three months and breastfeeding was often painful, so I began exclusively pumping. After a few months, and as the number of bags in our freezer dwindled, I obsessively researched how to increase my milk supply - fenugreek, oatmeal, coconut milk, a myriad of teas, and cluster pumping until my nipples bled.

Carrying my breast pump where ever I went and cloistering myself in empty bedrooms, fitting rooms, bathrooms, and closets was the most isolated I have ever felt. My depression deepened every time that I had to pull myself away from a compelling conversation just to spend an hour plugged into a machine, only to come up short with a couple ounces to take home.

I felt like I was barely crawling towards the finish line when I finally introduced small amounts of cow’s milk into his diet in the last month of his first year.

Looking back, I am so proud of what I had accomplished and I wish I had been gentler with myself - allowed myself the grace to get help and appreciate all I had given of myself.